My Bipolar Eating Disorder

Ok so I am going to start with a disclaimer.  Please do not take offense to this post.  I realize there are real eating disorders (although I feel that this is one of them to some point) and there are real mental health illnesses.  This is not to make fun or deny that.  This is just my struggle.

My name is Dennae, and I have bipolar eating disorder.  Actually over the last week I have been convicted, yes convicted, that it is a real issue.  Basically it is a mixture of both an eating disorder like bulimia, and a mental health issue similar to bipolar disorder.  See I binge and purge in a crazy manic/depressed sort of way.  

See I purge carbs from my life when I am manic and in charge of life.  My body was not designed to take in refined carbs  like sugar, corn, wheat, etc.  It is bad (this a doctors diagnosis) as in my body really does not work even close to well when I eat a lot or a little of these ooooh soooo wonderful foods.  For a few days I can maintain my "motivation" and "determination" to free my life from my addiction (it really is like an addiction) to sugar.  I eat meat, eggs, nuts, veggies, and sugar free pudding made with half and half.  I drink water, and brave through the awful head cold like symptoms of sugar withdraw.  If you have never gone off of sugars then you have probably not experienced this feeling.  Yet in my sickness I will go through this.  Be good for four or five days.  Be on the other side of the headaches and decreased energy.  Then it happens.  

I wake up one morning, and my resolve has dissolved, and I am left vulnerable.  It never fails this happens on a day when there will be a trap.  One of those times where you are hungry, and although there are healthy good options there are also AMAZING not so great options.  Then in a moment of UGH.  I eat the apple pie, the brownie, the pumpkin snicker doodle cookie, or the piece of milk chocolate.  Then in my oh so rational thinking I throw in the towel.  As in the dish towel.

Thus begins the binge part of my disorder.  See I am an all or nothing type person.  If one room needs clean the WHOLE house needs an overhaul.  If one finger nail is broke I cut them all back down and start over.  I hide it well, but I can be a bit nuts in this area.  So when I have failed yet again to keep from the temptation of sweets I throw in the towel.  As in I eat, and eat, and eat.  Not one cookie, but four.  Not one day, but why not the week.  It's already Tuesday.  I begin again next Monday.  So starts the downward spiral to the depressed binge.   

Obviously this issue is complex and compact, and I will not bore you with the details.  However, I know this.  It is not working.  It leaves me feeling defeated more days then not, and it keeps me on a constant energy and hormonal roller coaster.  So what am I to do about it? 

I have begun to read Lysa Terkeurst book, Made to Crave.  www.madetocrave.org/21-day-challenge/ Mind you this is the .....third.. time I've picked it up, but I am going to finish it.  The truth is I crave food.  I crave it for comfort, for energy, for encouragement, for motivation, for reward, for more than what it was meant to be.  Food was meant to be enjoyed, but most of all it was simply meant to keep my body going.  I have never thought of indulging my car after a long trip with the expensive gas.  HA!  Yeah right.  Why must I give my body something that honestly it doesn't need in the first place.  Brownies at 10:00pm are not exactly high octane. 

They say the first step is is to admit you have a problem.  So I admit I am a food yo yo.  I have bipolar eating disorder.  Complete with manic episodes of healthy living, and depressed moments of binge eating.  I need something greater than myself to overcome this.  So maybe today I'll try something different.  I'll try tapping into a new way to overcome cravings as Lysa suggests.  I'll tap into the one who was meant to be craved, and if I feel overwhelmed I'll take a twenty minute power nap, NOT a twenty minute power snack.

So what do you crave? 
Praying today for the power to overcome the craving and live a life free of bipolar eating disorder.

Blessings,

Dennae